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Post by haffyfan on Feb 6, 2008 22:14:23 GMT 1
THE LONELY BRAIN CELL Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around inside the head nervously because it was all empty and unusually quiet. " Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone else in here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel very alone and scared and so she yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away.............. "We're down here ....." "We're down here ....."
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Post by haffyfan on Feb 6, 2008 22:14:59 GMT 1
Bugger that pic dosen't work now either...if anyone wants email I will forward it.
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Post by Claire on Feb 6, 2008 22:23:10 GMT 1
Ooh yes pleaz can always do with a laugh especially if it involves a man ;D
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Post by exmoorfan on Feb 6, 2008 22:27:02 GMT 1
haffyfan i loved that one as you know..
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Post by haffyfan on Feb 6, 2008 22:42:41 GMT 1
Emoor fan has a naughty one or two up her sleeve too you know!
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Post by haffyfan on Feb 6, 2008 22:46:22 GMT 1
One for the ladies One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat- shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma ." And they say blondes are dumb... ----------------------------------------------------------- A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..." ----------------------------------------------------------- "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumor ----------------------------------------------------------- A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy! --------------------------------------------------------- Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN ------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - Q: Why do little boys whine? A: They are practicing to be men. ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? A: Trustworthy. ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough. ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet? A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe. ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
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Post by seahorse on Feb 6, 2008 22:57:47 GMT 1
love them cant put mine on as either involve really rude words or not pc
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Post by exmoorfan on Feb 6, 2008 23:01:28 GMT 1
haffyfan is correct I'm afraid.. Will look to see if I deleted in shock.!!!!!!!!!
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Post by haffyfan on Feb 6, 2008 23:03:59 GMT 1
love them cant put mine on as either involve really rude words or not pc you won't offend me that easily but I only send the none pc ones to certain folk...I have one at min but it's a bit 'edgy' shall we say!
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Post by seahorse on Feb 6, 2008 23:15:35 GMT 1
pm it to please haffyfan
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Post by kunuma on Feb 7, 2008 19:25:07 GMT 1
You mean there are people on this board who are easily offended? Don't think that I have met them yet? Come on, let's have the jokes - (don't get me started on where being pc has got this country!!)
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Post by haffyfan on Feb 7, 2008 19:43:59 GMT 1
Seahorse have emailed it you as lots of pics and would have to upload each independently.
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Post by haffyfan on Feb 7, 2008 19:49:53 GMT 1
When you have an 'I Hate My Job' day, try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson
Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home,lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized '.
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'
HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!
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Post by haffyfan on Feb 7, 2008 20:00:05 GMT 1
Scientific Research A study was being conducted by the U.S. to determine why the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took 2 years and cost $1.5 million. The results of the study concluded that the head of the penis is larger than the shaft to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. When the results were published, Germany, not convinced the results of the American study, decided that they needed to do their own study. Three years laters, and at a cost of $3.6 million (U.S.), they concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. Hearing of these results, a group of scientists in Newfoundland decided to conduct their own study since they didn't trust either the american or German study. After 3 weeks of intense research and a cost of $75.00, the Newfoundland study reached a conclusion: the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to prevent the man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
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Post by haffyfan on Feb 7, 2008 20:01:50 GMT 1
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer, but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives forward, SAVING him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again, and the chicken fell into a mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole." So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks!
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Post by haffyfan on Feb 7, 2008 20:03:49 GMT 1
After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve."
And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'"
So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve."
And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?'"
So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache?'"
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Post by kunuma on Feb 7, 2008 20:05:26 GMT 1
;D ;D ;D
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Post by haffyfan on Feb 7, 2008 20:06:00 GMT 1
An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of New Mexico when her car broke down. A Native American on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Native American would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback."
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Post by haffyfan on Feb 8, 2008 21:29:34 GMT 1
This one is exmoorfans really and this very naughty one The Day the Penis asked for a raise ! I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labour. I work at great depths. I plunge headfirst into everything I do. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a damp environment. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases. Sincerely, P. Niss The Response: Dear P Niss: After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing. You will retire well before you are 65. You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags. Sincerely, V. Gina
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Post by seahorse on Feb 8, 2008 22:03:50 GMT 1
haffyfan i love you I have one to put on here but the lanugage is terrilble is it ok to go ahead
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Post by Claire on Feb 8, 2008 22:06:50 GMT 1
seahorse, there is a swear filter on.
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Post by haffyfan on Feb 8, 2008 22:10:09 GMT 1
Post it or least email it me please.
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Post by seahorse on Feb 8, 2008 22:25:20 GMT 1
will email haffyfan am to embrassed to put it on here, but it makes me laugh
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Post by Claire on Feb 8, 2008 22:26:54 GMT 1
email to me too pleez
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Post by seahorse on Feb 8, 2008 22:36:01 GMT 1
of course just please dont ban me from site
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Post by seahorse on Feb 8, 2008 22:50:35 GMT 1
have pm ed you both
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Post by Claire on Feb 8, 2008 22:50:44 GMT 1
Little did I know when I started this forum was sort of monster I had created ... half-naked men...rude jokes...poo on sticks...whatever next?
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Post by seahorse on Feb 8, 2008 22:55:39 GMT 1
Not sure if is the cava but have not stopped laughing all night I love you lot
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Post by kunuma on Feb 9, 2008 0:20:45 GMT 1
Seahorse pm the joke to me too please!
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Post by exmoorfan on Feb 9, 2008 10:35:40 GMT 1
Thanks haffyfan..loved them all, especially the indian one..Think you deserve a kama.
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